


baby say the word (and let me go)

by heavenlyshadows



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenlyshadows/pseuds/heavenlyshadows
Summary: He doesn’t say goodbye. He just let’s go.Inej hadn’t been wrong. Kaz knew there were no guarantees with anyone, and when you inevitably lost them, it was easier to just watch them walk away.Inej was no different. She was meant for more than what she would get stuck with in the Barrel, but despite that, despite being the one who bought The Wraith and told her to go, he thought of the night he asked her to stay and wished he had given her a reason to.Because she was leaving but he couldn’t let her go.You have toI’m trying
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 3
Kudos: 82





	baby say the word (and let me go)

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song Leaving My Love Behind by Lewis Capaldi.
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated

**Kaz**

_ He doesn’t say goodbye. He just let’s go.  _

Inej hadn’t been wrong. Kaz knew there were no guarantees with anyone, and when you inevitably lost them, it was easier to let them walk away. 

Inej was no different. She was meant for more than what she would get stuck with in the Barrel. But despite that, despite being the one who bought The Wraith and told her to go, he thought of the night he asked her to stay and wished he had given her a reason to. 

Because she was leaving, but he couldn’t let her go.

_ You have to _

_ I’m trying _

….

**Inej**

Inej could feel herself disappearing again. 

Her tough exterior was slipping through the cracks, revealing pieces of the girl she had been at the Menagerie; timid, terrified, too afraid of what came next to do anything about it. 

She didn’t know what had set her back so far - perhaps it was being holed up with Van Eck or rehashing everything that had happened during her time in Ketterdam with her parents. Maybe all of it. 

Kaz had held her hand when it came time to tell her parents everything. He sat silently through every gruesome story, said the parts she couldn’t bear to. He called her back to her body when she couldn’t resist the current pulling her away. 

He gave her family back to her. He bought a ship and pushed her towards her dream even though it would drive her farther away from him. 

She gave herself a month. One month to find a crew, get supplies, and develop a plan before she set off for Saints knew how long. 

Now her month was up, and tomorrow morning she would be leaving Ketterdam. She would be leaving Kaz, and she was scared. How was she going to do this without him? How was she going to do it without Jesper or Nina or anything familiar to remind her that she wasn’t that girl anymore? 

_ You did this to yourself, _ the sneering voice in her head reminded her.  _ Kaz asked you to stay, and you said no.  _

It wasn’t because she didn’t love him. Despite all the wrong he had done, Kaz deserved someone who could give him all of them, and she couldn’t, not yet. And she wanted the same for herself. She refused to be loved in half measures, refused to be pushed into the background, and only exist in half of Kaz’s life. 

_ I will have you without armor, or I will not have you at all.  _

She tossed and turned in her bed at the Van Eck mansion. Trying to sleep was pretty much pointless now. Soon, the sun would be rising over the rooftops, and she would be more exhausted when she woke than before she fell asleep. Heaving a sigh, she stripped off her nightclothes - which were, ironically, a shirt she had stolen from Kaz - pulling on a fresh outfit and her rubber slippers before slipping out the window. 

The rooftops were slick because of the rain, but Inej didn’t mind. She would miss the rush of being on the rooftops. The feeling of being so high up, able to see everything and everyone, and knowing that they would never see her coming. She had the power when only a short time ago, she had been powerless. Up here, she felt more like herself. Not the Lynx, not the Wraith, but Inej Ghafa. 

Her feet took her to the Slat, and from her position across the road, she could see the lamps in Kaz’s room were still on. She rolled her eyes. Only Kaz would stay up all night working on paperwork instead of celebrating that he was four million  _ kruge _ richer. 

She crept over the rotting shingles of the Slat’s roof slowly, inching over the gutter and nudging Kaz’s window open with her foot. He always left it unlocked for her. Would he still, now that she was leaving?

He looked up only briefly as she swung in, landing lightly on the window ledge, but she could tell she’d surprised him. 

“I would have thought you’d be preparing your ship.” his tone wasn’t accusing, just curious. 

“Everything is ready. We’ll set off in the morning.” 

He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn’t. 

_ Say something, _ she pleaded silently.  _ Please, Kaz. Let me in.  _

He turned back to his paperwork but didn’t start writing again. He was barely even looking at it, and eventually, he gave up and shoved the papers away from him. 

“It’s hard for me, too,” she whispered. Kaz’s eyes snapped up to hers. 

_ Let me in Kaz. _

“I just,” he sighed. “I want you to stay. But then I see people like Jesper and Wylan, how they act, how they can be with each other without having to fight so hard, and I can’t give that to you. I may never be able to, Inej, no matter how badly I want it. I can barely hold your hand without thinking of-” he cut himself off quickly. “You deserve more. You deserve to go and find your way, even if that doesn’t include me.” His face was as expressionless as ever, but Inej knew how much it cost him to say it.

_ If only you knew.  _

The rain was coming down harder now, and she was content to watch it, cross-legged on the window ledge. Her mother used to tell her that rain was cleansing, that it was the Saint’s way of saying no sin was too powerful to be washed away. Inej didn’t think there was enough rain in the world to wash away the blood soaking Ketterdam’s streets. 

“When I was at the Menagerie,” she cleared her throat, forcing herself to meet Kaz’s eyes. If she wanted him to be honest with her, then she had to be honest with him. “The way I survived was by finding a way to disappear, to make my mind block out the things my body was doing. But once, there was a man who knew me. He had seen me perform during one of my family’s shows, and when he said that I-” She took a shaking breath, fingers passing over each of her knives.  _ Petyr. Alina. Marya. Anastasia. Vladimir. Lizabeta.  _

“I couldn’t disappear then. I couldn’t do anything except pray for it to be over, and I can- I can still feel his hands on me. I remember what he smelled like and every vile thing he said. I don’t think I’ll ever forget.” 

When she managed to look up at Kaz, his face was tight with rage, the arm of his chair clenched so tightly in his fist, she thought the wood would snap. 

“We’re going to find him Inej, and all the men like him. We’ll hunt them to the ends of the Earth if it means they pay for their sins in blood.” 

She almost smiled. “That isn’t my point, Kaz. My point is that he wasn’t the only one, and this,” She gestured between them with her hand. “Touch and trust. It’s going to take a long time for me to get there. You’re not the only one trying to change.” 

_ You’re not the only one who’s damaged. _

“I watched my brother die.”

He spoke so abruptly Inej stopped, staring. 

“Kaz-”

“We had just come to Ketterdam from Lij, and Jordie was convinced that he was going to make it big. A man named Jakob Hertzoon took him on as an apprentice, convinced him that this was the way he was going to do it, and we were stupid enough to believe him. Then Hertzoon scammed us out of our money and left us with nothing.” 

His hands were trembling, and Inej tried to stop him, but he brushed her off.

“When the firepox came, we were living on the streets. I survived the sickness, but Jordie didn’t. Not that it made any difference to the body men. They don’t check before they toss you onto the carts, not when there’s so many dead to clear out of the streets.”

She tried to picture a younger Kaz, having lost the only family he had left and being stuffed onto the Reapers Barge among hundreds of corpses. It was too horrible to imagine.

“When I woke up on the barge, I wasn’t strong enough to swim back on my own, so I used Jordie-” 

She could see him slipping away, so she slid off of the ledge and sat on the edge of his desk, close but not touching him. 

“Kaz,” her voice was barely a whisper. “You don’t have to tell me.” 

He shook his head. His brow was damp with sweat, and his entire body was trembling, but there was awareness in his features. 

“I want to.” 

A breath in.

A breath out.

“Go on,” she whispered.

“When I got back to Ketterdam, all I cared about, all that kept me going was finding Hertzoon and making him and everyone who had ever helped him pay. And I did. I tore every bit of his scheme to pieces. Brick by brick.”

“Brick by brick? That’s what you said to Pekka Rollins when….”

He was watching her, waiting for her to put the puzzle together.

“Pekka Rollins is Jakob Hertzoon.”

The flash in his devil black eyes was the only confirmation she needed.

“The day I found out who he was, I made a promise to my brother and to myself that I was going to tear his life apart the same way he did ours.” 

“Brick by brick.” 

They stared at each other, and it dawned on Inej that this is how their lives would be if they continued on this path. Small pieces of moments, slowly filing away at their jagged edges, and she was glad for it. Because even if they found they couldn’t be more than what they already were, there would always be somebody who knew her. Not the lynx, or the girl she had been before, not the Wraith. Inej. And no matter how far apart they were, Kaz wouldn’t let her disappear. It was nothing and everything all at once. 

Kaz reached for her with shaking fingers, and after a long moment, he managed to clasp their hands together. A shudder ran through him but nothing more. 

“Tell me you’ll come home.” 

“Kaz.”

“It’s the only way I’m going to be able to stand you leaving that harbor tomorrow.” He twisted the ring on her middle finger, pulling it off and placing it back on. Her father had given it to her after she told him she wanted to be a sea captain. 

“My father told me once that home isn’t a place,” Inej said.

His eyebrow quirked. “More Suli proverbs?” 

She swatted at him with her hand that wasn’t holding his. “He used to tell me that home wasn’t a place. It’s the people who know you. Not only the good things but the bad as well. They know your scars and your fears. He said that’s how you know you have a home. When you’re gone, you just miss it.” 

Inej carried pieces of the people she loved with her always. Her father’s ring, the bone handle knife Kaz had gifted her years ago. They were the reminder that she had something to come back to. Something to live for.

_ It’s you, Kaz _ .  _ It’s always been you. _

He moved around the desk to stand between her knees, and they were so close she could feel his breath ruffling the strands of hair that had come loose from her braid. 

“I’m going to miss this,” she whispered. 

She was going to miss  _ him. _

“Tell me you’ll come home.” He repeated. 

She untangled their fingers and pulled off her father’s ring, sliding it onto Kaz’s index finger. His protests died on his lips as she shook her head, holding it in place. It was as close to a promise as he was going to get right now.

“You can give it back to me when I see you again. Consider it your insurance.”

He smiled, and the very sight of it made Inej’s heart stutter. “I fully expect you to pay up, Captain Ghafa.” 

**….**

**Kaz**

Kaz’s cane thumped obnoxiously against the dock as he strode alongside Inej’s father. Jesper and Wylan walked ahead, giving farewell wishes as Inej helped her mother load her trunk onto the ship. 

Kaz hadn’t missed the look on Mr. Ghafa’s face when he saw Inej’s ring on Kaz’s finger, and he assumed that was why he lagged behind. 

“Tell me something, Mr. Brekker,” his voice was teasing. “Do you know my daughter’s favorite flower?”

It was an odd question, but something in Mr. Ghafa’s eyes told him it was significant. 

_ He’s testing you, _ Kaz realized.

It wasn’t something they had ever talked about, you didn’t do that in the Dregs, but he remembered when he’d tossed the geraniums from a florist cart into the canal, the longing on Inej’s face as she watched them disappear beneath the surface of the water. He remembered her smile when she had seen them in a planter box on a job last year. It was  _ that _ smile. The one he would willingly give his last breath to see again. That night, Kaz had gone back and stolen those same geraniums and left them outside her door. It was the first time he realized how different Inej was from everyone else. That in the short time she had been a part of his life, she had begun to chip away at his armor. Because of her, he was starting to feel things again.

But he didn’t say that to her father. 

“Geraniums,” he said instead. “Wild geraniums.” 

Mr. Ghafa smiled, and Kaz knew he passed. 

“You’re good for her.” 

Not a good man.

Just good for her. 

“I’m trying to be,” Kaz said, gazing down at his shoes. 

The seventh bell of the morning sounded, and Kaz’s stomach dropped. It was time to go.

He hung back while Inej said her goodbyes. She looked the same - hair in a ruthless coil at her back, knives in their sheaths - but there was something different about the way she held herself like an enormous weight had been lifted from her soldiers.

_ This is what she looks like without you. This is why you have to let her go. _

_ I’m trying. _

“What did my father say to you?” 

“He asked if I knew your favorite flower?” he didn’t understand it, but apparently, Inej did. Her eyes were dark with anticipation.

“And what did you say?”

“Geraniums.” 

The smile that split across her face was radiant.

_ Ghezen, she’s trying to kill me. _

It wasn’t warm enough that he’d forgone his suit jacket, but he wasn’t wearing his gloves. After last night, he felt he owed her that. It wasn’t everything he wanted to give her, but it was a start, and he was going to try if it meant he could have more moments like the night before. If it meant that one day he could be even half the man she deserved, he was going to try. 

“Are you ready?” He asked.

She hesitated, but then she nodded. “Yes. These slavers need to be stopped, and the people they’ve taken deserve to be free.” 

Kaz snorted. “Sankta Inej.” 

She wrinkled her nose. “Don’t disgrace the Saints that way.”

“If they don’t want you among them, then the fault is theirs.” He snarled. 

Inej was many things. She was kind and cunning and painstakingly patient, but she was not unworthy. The very idea that she ever could be made his blood boil viciously. 

_ Tell her, you podge. _

Kaz Brekker was also many things. Spontaneous was not one of them, but before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. It was tense and rushed, and he felt his stomach churn as his skin brushed hers, but he had done it. He had tried, and a small voice in his mind told him he might like to try again. 

“Come back to me, Inej,” he whispered before he pulled away. “Please.” 

Her fingers brushed over the place where his lips had been, and she was looking at him like she had never seen him before. 

“I will. Stay safe, Kaz.” 

“No mourners.” 

“No funerals.” 

He turned to walk back down the dock because even after all of that, he still couldn’t bear to watch her leave.

“Kaz! You might want to take your insurance.”

She threw something at him, and he caught it automatically. Sitting in his palm was Mr. Ghafa’s ring, the one she had stolen right off his hand without him even knowing. 

_ Damn you, Inej _

Despite himself, he was grinning as he walked back to the Slat.


End file.
